Locked down parenting.

I had plans to deviate from the topic of coronavirus and talk about other things in mental health. But there was such a popular demand for this topic that I had to address it in my next post.
 
As a Clinical Psychologist working with children and having two of my own, I was asked a lot about parenting young kids and toddlers in a semi-war like situation. The topics and advice discussed in this post will be partly scientific knowledge and partly knowledge I have acquired on my own as a mother.
 
My aim through this article, is to give general tips for coping with children of all ages. Not all the points may apply to families with older children, but I am hoping that some of the points can be improvised to fit each family’s needs.
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I had plans to deviate from the topic of coronavirus and talk about other things in mental health. But there was such a popular demand for this topic that I had to address it in my next post.
 
As a Clinical Psychologist working with children and having two of my own, I was asked a lot about parenting young kids and toddlers in a semi-war like situation. The topics and advice discussed in this post will be partly scientific knowledge and partly knowledge I have acquired on my own as a mother.
 
My aim through this article, is to give general tips for coping with children of all ages. Not all the points may apply to families with older children, but I am hoping that some of the points can be improvised to fit each family’s needs.

• Communicate, communicate, and communicate.

 
Kids are smart. They know when something is different. As per a paper (2) on psychosocial support for families after a disaster, children of all ages can sense distress in their parents and pick up bits of information about disasters and crisis from external sources such as media or friends. Even young children and children with disabilities can sense when information is being withheld from them and this violates their basic sense of trust and security (2).
 
It is important that they hear about catastrophic events from you. If you have young children at home, stick to discussing basic facts about the event in a simplified format. Don’t use fancy terminology or try to make the situation complicated by making stories. Tell them what is actually going on, in words they will understand. 
 
If you have older kids, it is possible that they have already heard the information from the news, media or friends. In this case, it is best to ask them what they already know about what is happening. If their information is wrong, give them the correct facts. It is also advisable to talk about other things such as their feelings about the situation, how they are coping with not meeting family and friends, their anxieties about the future and school.

• Accept that there will be disturbances in appetite and sleep.

 
The same research (2) also points out that children show some common signs of adjustment reactions in the aftermath of a crisis. The first symptom is disturbances in sleep patterns such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, frequent night awakenings or difficulty awakening in the morning, nightmares, or other sleep disruptions. The second is Appetite problems such as loss of appetite or increased eating (2).

Very young children may only exhibit these two symptoms whereas; older kids might also show other signs such as difficulties in concentration or hyper-vigilance marked by excessive fear and anxiety (2). Parents have to accept that these are unprecedented times we are going through. Even as adults with effective coping mechanisms, we are struggling to make sense of what is happening.
 
Children are the most vulnerable group when it comes to disturbances in behaviour at a time of crisis. Hence, I urge parents not to panic if they see any of the above signs in their children. Reassure yourselves that these are unforeseen circumstances and there isn’t much you can do except providing love and support to your children. Go back to point 1 and use communication as a tool. 

• For toddlers and young children, go back to the basics of Eat, Sleep and Play.

 
This tip might be particularly helpful for those with babies, infants, toddlers and young children at home. Remember when they were new-borns and you focused only on three things: eating, sleeping and playing? I recommend going back to this basic routine for even young school going children too. This is primarily for one reason. They have no routine at the moment. They are out of school and playing outside or going for excursions in a lockdown, is impossible.
 
And most of us don’t have lovely gardens or terraces to enjoy fresh air. So you have to make the best of what you can indoors. Even if you can establish a basic routine of just three things, you will have some peace of mind. So for toddlers and young children, I recommend something like this:

Wake up
Breakfast 
Play with toys and activities 
Lunch 
Long nap (at least 1.5-2 hours) 
Snack upon waking 
Play outside if possible / play indoors 
TV time 
Dinner 
Bedtime

The idea is to focus on getting through each day with just a basic routine to keep some discipline going. Emphasise on the long afternoon nap even if they are not physically active. Children get tired quite easily and by evening, they are sure to be quite on edge if they are over tired. Feeding and putting to bed an over tired child is much harder. So use the afternoon nap as a way to give them and yourself some rest.
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• Try to practice attachment parenting and co-sleeping. 

There is an on going debate all over the world about attachment parenting versus independent parenting. I am not going to go into whether one is better over the other as each family has to find a style that suits them best. But I do have one or two points to mention regarding attachment parenting.
 
The times we are facing now are filled with stress and anxiety for everyone. Research shows that when children of any age are afraid, angry or distressed and parents or caregivers do not do anything to alleviate the fear, the resulting stress on the child can have long lasting effects on brain development (1).
 
Attachment parenting advocates many child-centred practices such as breastfeeding on demand and immediate response to crying. But the ones I am interested in now are co-sleeping and holding/touching.
 
Co-sleeping infants’ biomarkers show that their bodies regulate breathing patterns to their mothers' breathing (1). In other words, if the mother is relaxed and breathing easy during sleep, this helps her infant sleeping next to her, to breathe calmly and sleep better. When children sleep with their mothers, their bodies also take cues from the mothers' bodies to remain relaxed and calm, or to remain alert for predators. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view as it keeps children safe from danger.
 
Other studies done on mothers and infants showed that if a mother spent 1.8 hours more in a day holding her infant, then those infants cried 43% less than infants who had been held less (1).
 
So how does this apply to our current pandemic situation and toddlers or older children? Well, similar studies on toddlers have shown that when a trusted caregiver is nearby, toddlers and young children have less elevation in cortisol (stress hormone) than toddlers whose caregiver wasn’t nearby (1).
 
Simply put, no matter what age they are, if you hold your children more and let them sleep in your bed for a few nights, their cortisol levels will dip and their stress will reduce. Children with sleep disturbances will sleep much better next to you allowing you to rest through the night as well.
 
So go on and snuggle into bed with your kids and dose off together. Trust me, it won’t do any permanent harm. When the normal days come, they can go back to sleeping in their own rooms again.

• Teach your children to pray, laugh and care for others. 

I know a lot of you are worried about your kids missing education since schools have shut down. But education comes in many forms and this time can be used to educate your children on life’s more meaningful experiences. Let me explain with the help of some science.
 
A review of studies done on German adults who were children during World War II found that most of them had a positive outlook on life in their later years. There were some adults who showed signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but the ones who came out with little damage all had protective life factors to safeguard them from the ill effects of war (3).
 
The children who had a secure relationship with a primary caregiver (mother or father), social support of others in the community (grandparents, teachers or peers), shared religious beliefs that found meaning in suffering, a sense of humour and an interest in the welfare of others, were the ones who came out with minimum physical and mental damage (3).
 
Research shows that in difficult times, children who are taught to help those less fortunate than them are better adjusted and leave the crisis situation with ease. So encourage your kids to donate to local charities or contribute to animal welfare. At night, take them into bed or your prayer room and teach them to pray for the well-being of the planet. This will invoke a sense of purpose and calmness that will transcend any situation and benefit them for years to come.
 
So parents, that’s it from me for now. I hope all of you found at least one or two handy tips from this article. Please do write back and add tips below in the comments for other struggling parents. As always, the links to the research articles are below in the bibliography.
 
Take care and stay safe.

1. Miller, P. M., & Commons, M. L. (2010). The benefits of attachment parenting for infants and children: A behavioral developmental view. Behavioral Development Bulletin, 16(1), 1–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0100514
2. Schonfeld, D. J., Demaria, T., & the DISASTER PREPAREDNESS ADVISORY COUNCIL AND COMMITTEE ON PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF CHILD AND FAMILY HEALTH. (2015). Providing Psychosocial Support to Children and Families in the Aftermath of Disasters and Crises. PEDIATRICS, 136(4), e1120–e1130. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2015-2861
3. Werner, E. E. (2012). Children and war: Risk, resilience, and recovery. Development and Psychopathology, 24(2), 553–558. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579412000156